him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
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After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Merry Christmas
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.