“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
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I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
They got Raph!
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Many hands make light work
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.