[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
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You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
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elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.