remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
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babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
dads on road-trips be like
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
“Sheer Arrogance”
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.