Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
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I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
<- sleeps well with others
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly