David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
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Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.