Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
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I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse