when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
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Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
congratulations to them
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?