My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
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I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Fluff me with a fork baby
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Expect the unexporcupine.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.