H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
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[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this