If I ignore life will it go away?
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Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
some things should go without saying
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
i’m sure it’s fine
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.