How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
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My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Generation gap…
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girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.