How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
You Might Also Like
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
my nickname in college
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.