Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
You Might Also Like
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
*Inspirational Tweets*
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Don’t forget to tip your server
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!