Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
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Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.