Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
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why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.