I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
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[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching