reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
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“i miss shittin on people”
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.