There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
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I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes