The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
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Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago