gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
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Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Worth remembering.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Easy enough.
All generalizations are stupid.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Never forget.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
This will teach them to underestimate me
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am