Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
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The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.