Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
You Might Also Like
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Bill is short for Billiam
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.