Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
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Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
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Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.