pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
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Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain