My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
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Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.