it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
You Might Also Like
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
found this cool rock hiking today
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.