Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
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Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
For the orator and chef in all of us
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!