Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
You Might Also Like
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.