Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
You Might Also Like
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT