Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
You Might Also Like
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.