*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
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My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.