professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
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The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
i smell a pulitzer
For cardio I live beyond my means.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off