You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
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[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
smh
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.