not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
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Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}