“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
You Might Also Like
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?