Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
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I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer