ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
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My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
In space, no one can hear…
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad