“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
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In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Black Friday “markdowns” like
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…