Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
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The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.