Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
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Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
(Gaming support cat.)
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.