The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
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Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.