My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
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What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.