Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
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How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?