I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
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My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude![]()
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
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Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?