Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
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MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Happy Caturday!
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Terribly Tuesday.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.