Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
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“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
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Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
How dramatic are you?
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She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020