Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
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The fall of Netflix
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Namaste
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Introverted vegans go meetless
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.