She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
You Might Also Like
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
The cashier just checked me out.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this