Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
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If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
🙄😏😂🤣
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.