We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
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Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
584.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
This is amazing.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”