Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
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I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I’m already scared
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Not😆🤣
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.