Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
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I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
How to make infinite energy.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂