Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
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I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do