My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
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I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.